Nonsense — A Parable of Polar Bears

9:30 pm Uncategorized

Cichio looked up at Oliver: “Oli, why can’t I put my stuffed animal in the dryer? It won’t waste water!”

Oliver, who was a little bit too slick for the elementary school child, replied, “Yes, but you will waste energy.”

“But it will only be a little bit of energy.”

“Here, let me tell you this story about a little girl who put her stuffed animal in the dryer:

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“Once upon a time a little girl put her stuffed animal in the dryer, and it killed a polar bear. Now polar bears are endangered. They are all starving, so they eat each other. All the momma polar bears eat the baby polar bears, except the nice momma polar bears, who just drift away on pieces of ice and leave the babies to die. This is because of global warming. All the ice is melting. So by wasting energy this little girl made all the ice melt, and it came down in a huge flood killing people. Oh, so you’re not scared of that? Well guess what? Polar bears can unlock doors and open them and they’re coming down in the flood too.

“Fortunately they already ate some humans on the way to your…I mean this little girl’s house, so they don’t wanna eat her. But she sees them and is scared of them, so when they knock on the door she doesn’t answer, so they unlock the door and come in. The girl runs and climbs onto the ceiling fan to be safe, but she falls! The polar bears call 911, ‘Hello, there’s a little girl here who’s been hurt!’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry we can’t help you. There are polar bears here trying to eat us!’ *hang up* *dial tone*

“So the polar bears learned they were supposed to eat humans, so they ate the girl. Now of course, if she had answered the door, they would have just come in and watched iCarly with the girl, but this wasn’t the case. So anyway now polar bears lived in all the people’s houses; all the remaining humans had escaped to the arctic. There were now polar bears who lived in the girl’s house. There was a mommy polar bear and a daddy polar bear and a baby polar bear and a sissy polar bear. But of course polar bears don’t eat cows like humans. So without being eaten the cows overpopulate until they have large enough numbers to kill the polar bears. So now the cows live in the world and there are cows in this little girl’s house. There was a mommy cow and a daddy cow and a baby cow and a sissy cow.

“Now by and by the cow civilizations get very advanced until the US cows realize that the Russian cows have developed nuclear weapons! So the US cows build a community underground safe from the bombs and develop their own nuclear weapons, so the Russian cows go underground too. But up on land in the US there are no more cows to eat the grass, so the grass overpopulates and with it, the aphids. So now in the little girl’s house there are grass and aphids. There was a mommy aphid and a daddy aphid and a baby aphid and a sissy aphid. Now the grass and apids interbreed. So in the girl’s house there was a mommy aphid and a daddy grass and a baby hybrid aphid-grass and a sissy hybrid aphid-grass. So now both cow countries set off their bombs, and the bombs create defects in the cow babies, so that the cows mutate into cow humans. Now the cow humans are running out of stored up food, so they become cannibalistic carnivores, but how should they decide who to eat? Well they begin to eat the vegetarians.  Now the normal humans, because of global warming come down in a flood from the arctic  (they are ape humans — as humans evolved from apes), and they interbreed with the cow humans (which as you know is completely ethical since both are just different races of humans) so now there are hybrid ape-cow humans, but soon they completely run out of food since they’ve eaten all the vegetarians, so raving with hunger they devour each other, and foaming at the defiling mouth they all die off.

“Now by and by the fish began to grow feet until they come up on land, and they interbreed with the squirrels and after suffering lingering defects from the bombs as well, they create a race of hybrid fish-squirrel humans. They find frozen carcasses from old freezers of the cannibal hybrid ape-cow humans and, they call them cavemen from the ice age (although they were not right at all considering there was a huge global warming not freezing.) They also find an ancient thriving culture of Russian cows underground that had been isolated for centuries and survived because they learned to live with mother nature in peace and never ate meat. THE END.”

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Oliver, snapping out of his trance, looked down to realize Cichio wasn’t there. He realized she had been gone for the past thirty minutes and had already put her stuffed animal in the washer and the dryer. Wait! Both the washer AND dryer?!

THE REAL END.

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