Onions and Oatmeal

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Most people have forgotten my existence and I don’t have much time to write this in anyway.

So basically today I went and got Subway. With onions, lettuce and tomato. This is when I realised my love for onions. I can’t express this love in words so I won’t. [I could express it with hand gestures.]  It’s not so important–this love has almost nothing to do with this post.

Now for the dystopian country of Bohemia.

The Dauphin of Bohemia is giving a speech to his people(“…” indicates that the Dauphin was waving his arms about and making weird faces when not talking) :

“Like dude…I totally love oatmeal…man like the Princess of Idioclast is like so anorexic and she should eat oatmeal to keep her calories down since it’s like so…filling. Anyways, since most people don’t work anymore I decided we should, like, have tap oatmeal instead of tap water. I mean, dude, you can live as long without water as you can without oatmeal. So, be filled and go work! ”

The Princess of Idioclast was shaking her head. Everytime she tried to speak to the Dauphin and the Regent they just weren’t interested. The Dauphin’s pet topics were driving her insane, and the Regent’s desire for war was really getting to her. Of course, if she pointed the Regent’s fault out, she may as well hang herself.

Earlier that week…

The Regent comes in with some oatmeal, not because Quaker is the country’s corporate sponsor,  but because it helps further his own agenda. He put some meth into the oatmeal.

Soon the Princess and Dauphin have joined him. He gave the Dauphin his oatmeal. The Dauphin was never too bright to begin with, but it had only helped worsen the country’s situation when, as he was getting closer to the age where he could take his duties, the Regent(purportedly his friend), had started experimenting with slipping various “medicines” into his oatmeal to help his anxiety.

“I think we should make the compulsory military service five years instead of two,” cried Setna, glaring at Athena.

Athena knew there were more important things to do then wage war. She wanted to discuss the suicide rate for people under the age of ten years and its effects(along with compulsory military service) on the ever dwindling amount of factory workers.

“Like, dude…I think we should make tap oatmeal it would save our economy,” the Dauphin said, dribbling oatmeal down his chin and showing his “meth-mouth” full of half chewed oatmeal.

“Well, we need more people working in our factories!” chimed in Athena.

“Well, dude why do we need factories anyway?”

“Do you ever wonder where clothes come from?”

“Oh,…dude…oh my gosh can’t people have one outfit?”

“Do you think one outfit last a lifetime?”

“Yeah.”

If you went to the Dauphin’s closet you would see that he had a tuxedo for every day of his life starting from when he was an infant. While it is true that people do not need too much clothing, it would have surely angered any citizen to know that the Dauphin had been able to afford his clothing because of their taxes.

“Why can’t we ever talk about anything reasonable!”

“Like dude, we are, I think Set-o has a point about the military stuff.”

Well that’s all I’ll write right now.

HELP SPRED THE WORD: OHHHHH PWNed!!!

clarencecosts$20, liesalladultstoldyou, liesyourparentstoldyou, liesyourteachertoldyou 1,571 Comments

Political Fun with the Funcia Staff

clarencecosts$20, fakeworld, liesalladultstoldyou, liesyourparentstoldyou, liesyourteachertoldyou, setna 2,536 Comments

Oliver Ham

Oliver Ham was born on a date in a place to parents. This influenced him greatly. He worships Ron Paul as a god. He doesn’t even think that voting for Baldwin is a good idea.  It was one of those little problems Ron Paul had, like when he said that Rand was a little too militant for him. LET’S TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Oliver is usually found reading the Constitution, eating tofu, strumming a guitar, and singing love songs with his best red squirrel friend, Setna. Oliver passed the Nutcase Quiz with extra credit.

Athena Oly-m-pian

Athena is not a US citizen, does not live in the US, and her best friend was Russian. She is a very strong communist as long as she gets to be the dictator. Athena also, as Clarence Cutler might say, ” is really sexist against men!!1!” and randomly gets spam email from Hillary Clinton. She believes that all men should be killed, but she is highly into peace. Athena did not pass the Nutcase Quiz because she couldn’t figure out how to email. Athena’s pastimes include shouting at people, arguing with people, and slapping people. She considers herself a pacifist.

Setna Khamwas

Setna would support an all-powerful government, as Athena says, “because he’s republican”, as long as he gets to be a part of the government. Otherwise. He. Is. An. Anarchist. (Oliver supports the abortion of sentences; this explains the horrible grammar.) Setna has been the president of the United States for the past eight years. He is not an US citizen like Obama except he (instead of Kenya) was born in Egypt.

Bob The Tester Guy (deceased)

Well, I am a hardcore MODERN WHIG. I was a modern whig before the modern wig was created. Since I’m a modern whig, I love DICK DRIBEN{http://www.dickdriben2008.com/}}} EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE REAL PROBLEM THAT CAUSES TERRORISM IS BEARDS, love bob the tester guy.

Aunt Jemima

Oh my word! You want to know my political views? Well, I sure done like McKinney ’cause she knows what’s what about the environment. And I sure love that Obama dude, I mean look at his ethnicity. But overall, I really want Oprah to win. I always love Eckhart Tolle.

Clarence Vent Cutler

Obama rules. Cuz he’s a democrat. I like, like, like his ideas about the environment and like his ideas about taxes. And like his idea about food stamps and stuff. And then McCain, I got pissed at him.

Mr. Panic In Calm *NEW TO STAFF!*

Mr. Panic In Calm is a big “McCain Palin” supporter. He is very rich, lived in Alaska, is a hard-core republican, and hates Obama. He still has His “W: The President” bumper sticker on His Hummer. Despite wanting tax-cuts because He does not want to help pay for food stamps, He is a very religious man. He is an elder at His church and converted 500 people to the good news. He prays 50 times a day out in the street so that everyone can see how holy He is. He enjoys hunting Caribou and drinking six packs of beer in His free time. New to our staff, Mr. Panic In Calm is already telling us what we should think, do, and how many times we should go to church every week.

Bad News

fakethingsinthesky, fakeworld, liesalladultstoldyou, liesyourparentstoldyou, liesyourteachertoldyou, setna 409 Comments

I’m sure you all remember our beloved friend Bob the Tester Guy. He was very dear to us. Yesterday at 3AM, secret police shot him with a Wuv Woos PWNing gun. He was dead in seconds. We are pretty sure that the police found his identity through his own set-up conspiracy. I’m not sure how many noticed something at the bottom of the first post:

“Hi, I’m Bob the Tester Guy and I like to write about true conspiracies. Everyone knows that snopes is controlled by people who don’t want you to know the truth, so I’m here to inform you about what is true and what snopes actually got right.

Here’s my first ever link to snopes.

OK! So, hopefully you read that, well here’s why snopes got it wrong:

Now most of you probably don’t even know what Wingdings is! Congratz! You’ve never wasted all your time in Microsoft Word switching the fonts of that really important paper. Or maybe you don’t have Microsoft, whatever. Me neither, so I think there’s no reason other than to let out secret messages with it. So I looked it up a bit and found that there really is no reason that I can see anway!

Great! So now, not only do evil corporations send secret messages, but they do it publicly, even on your own computer! No one can type everything in the world on Wingdings, so leave that to professionals like me. Obviously, only the really popular stuff’s been looked up, but no doubt there is something to be found if only we knew what we were really looking for!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

IT’S BEEN A GREAT FIRST DAY OF INFORMING YOU OF THE TRUTH.

LOVE

BOB THE TESTER GUYYY

bobthetesterguy  ITSACONSPIRACY”

He had both his username and password^ for the site written down in the post. The police logged on to his account and figured out his personal information. He is survived by his wife, Aunt Jemima Jackson-Guy.

So,

Let us all grieve Bob the Tester Guy’s death, a dear dear friend to us all and especially a special long time friend to Setna,

Athena

New Quiz: “How to Tell if Someone is a Nutcase”

Uncategorized 1,666 Comments

Fill in Section

1. Fill this is in: We will _____ math.

Reasoning Section

2. Have you solved the greatest mystery of the century? If so, who did it?

General Knowledge Section

3. Do you know the myth of Cybele? Do you believe it?

Emotionally Charged Section

4. What are your feelings on making abortion illegal? What are your feelings on the spelling of “illegal”?

5. What are your feelings on antiquated pronouns, and passive verbs? Do you feel comfortable using words in conversation that you know that 90% of people do not know?

6. What are your feelings on shooting the moon?

7. What are your feelings on numerology? Write a brief essay discussing what had to do with 9/11.

8. What do you think about squirrel pox, and do you sympathize for grey squirrels, or red squirrels?

Red squirrel feeding, summer coat

Grading Section

Grading available by email: YXRoZW5hIGF0IGZ1bmNpYSBkb3QgY29t .

Why Turtles Are Fake, Inspired by Clarence Cutler

liesalladultstoldyou, liesyourteachertoldyou 3 Comments

So, apparently, turtles are yet another lie. However, it gets worse, since instead of a lie a teacher tells you, all adults do! Surely, you feel hopeless knowing that all adults would try to trick you.

Anyway, for the proof. First, assume that you almost never see turtles except for turtle shells here and there at your friendly neighborhood nature center. Second, assume that you can never see the turtles pointed out by adults. Now, since you’ve never seen a turtle in these cases we could deduce that turtles are robotic since they are. What if you did see a turtle? Well, this is the easy part. Go to your bookshelf and grab the toddler’s book on turtle development. Look at the baby turtles’ pictures.

Toddler’s book:

The Artist Who Drew This Deserves Recognition

Your eyes:

Don't These Look Like Plastic Toys?

I’m sure you are either convinced or laughing and trying to find a hole in this argument. Yes, you won’t find one.

– Oliver H.

Prof Oliver H.

Intro to Www.funcia.com

Feb 24, 2008

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