Note to the Aware and Logically Minded Reader: Do not worry if you can’t completely understand what Athena, Oliver, and me are doing or our motives. Half the time we don’t know what the heck we’re doing either. Just keep reading. It should all be clear if you do so.-Setna
Oliver and Setna were sitting in a diner. They were both waiting for Athena. Boredom had come quickly this time. Oliver was sitting there folding paper into moebius strips. Setna had brought his laptop and was playing a rather violent battle game. A plate of cooked shark sat next to Setna’s laptop.
The diner was a very nice one, often full of people during lunch breaks especially in spring, because of the diner’s even nicer outside patio . It was rather high priced to buy the food, but the decor was that of a hotel serving continental breakfast, which was an atmosphere both Oliver and Setna enjoyed. They had been waiting for at least one hour like this, making no progress, before Athena came in, looking like she was about ready to kill more than one person.
Oliver and Setna remained sitting. They didn’t even look up. “Guys!!! I’m here!” screamed Athena. Oliver looked up, “Finally,” he said rolling his eyes. Setna sat there and turned off his laptop.
He still didn’t look up.
Athena continued shouting: “Guys, I told you that if I didn’t return at exactly 12:00 you should head over to the Professor’s house!! He’ll be arriving back at his house in a few minutes!”
Oliver and Setna both gave her a skeptical look. Oliver cunningly asked her, “So you do know that he is done writing the instructions for us to watch his dog?” Athena frowned, “What the hel…heck are you talking about!” she screamed catching herself as she noticed a small child staring at her intently. Setna and Oliver exchanged smiles. “Keep cool,” said Setna in a lay-back tone.
Athena caught onto the fact they were in a public diner very close to the Professor’s house.
Oliver told her to go get into Setna’s Camouflage Light Tactical Vehicle and meet them after he paid the bill. “You bought food here?” she said her mouth gaping open. “Yeah,” Setna said with his keep-cool voice, “I bought the grilled shark.” Oliver just then printed the bill from the table bill machine. “They still have those? Isn’t that a model S40?” Setna said inquisitively . “Yes, I guess the tech stuff here hasn’t quite caught on,” replied Athena looking around the diner. Oliver quickly ran around the empty tables next to them picking up all the tips. “Good! This will mean that we will only have to pay $20.78 more.”
“How much does it cost?” asked Athena, eyeing the extremely large wad of cash in Oliver’s fists.
“Oh, only about 250 pounds.” replied Oliver.
“Oh…dollars …let me see…about $500?”
Setna looked at Athena, “Come on, let’s go to the LTV and let Oliver pay the bill.”
The LTV definitely stood out more when one wasn’t in a war so it definitely got the three around. Setna got a ladder out for Athena to climb into the backseat of the LTV since she was pretty short already. Setna swung himself into the driver’s seat and turned on the radio. Many young college students(from the nearby college) goggled at Setna’s ride from their Jeeps.
Shortly after, Oliver came and practically killed himself climbing into the LTV as always.
“Athena,” said he, “Don’t you get it?” paused he. “Setna, would you please turn off the sappy love songs?” Setna blushed and turned off the radio, “I’m sorry I rented the LTV to some kids for the weekend.” Oliver rolled his eyes, “How about that time before the weekend? And how come you’ve been sitting here with this crap on? Well, nevertheless, to the Professor’s!”
Setna unbuckled, “Let’s first get to HQ to get some ‘equipment.’”
“Alright, back to the point, Athena, do you think the Professor will leave clear instructions for us? We have to take him, too. So logically we don’t go when he is not around.”
“Plus since the Professor already caught us once trying to steal his blueprints he’ll suspect us,” Setna said, starting the car.
“Athena, we actually counted on you coming here to find us. We’re that smart. And anyway, it’s not like we can’t kidnap the Professor alone!”
“Yeah but you’re guys,” said Athena, “We planned what we were going to do together! You could’ve told me yesterday!”
Athena shook her head with her short blond hair bouncing.
“Eh, was that a moose?!” said Oliver.
“Get a life,” Athena snapped, “Moose are endangered species. Plus, that was just a little pet dog, in fact I think it’s my neighbor’s–”
Setna interrupted, “We’re in a crowded city, with a population of over 2 billion. That was just some trash on the road. Guys, remember we’re in a Light Tactical Vehicle not a small car.”
“Eww,” commented Athena, “Someone really needs to pick up all this trash.”
“But we are in a really bad section of the city–unless you would like to be dropped off here to pick up trash it will most definitely not be cleaned.”
Athena looked at the overall dirtiness of the area they were in. Lights were blown out with no hope of being replaced and glass was shattered all over the sidewalks. A few lowlifes sat around the road looking crazed.
Setna parallel parked with skill(for driving an LTV of course, he did hit two cars), “The ones we hit were probably stolen anyway! Well, Home sweet home!”
“Athena and I will stay in the car while you get the equipment. That way we can be at the Professor’s earlier, before any students might come.”
Athena looked at Oliver inquisitively as she did not understand.
Oliver and Athena sat for only 3 minutes before Setna (with his cronies) came out and piled all the “equipment” into the very back of the vehicle. Setna gave all his helpers hundred-dollar bills.
When he got in, Oliver pulled 2 slick black jumpsuits out of his pocket.
“Just for show,” said Oliver, “Oh yeah, Athena, I wasn’t sure what size you were and I would’ve gotten you an XXL but the XXS was on sale and there was only one difference in the letters! I got Setna my size because it would look good on him and also, all the other male sizes only come in hot pink. I myself got a tuxedo because that’s fancier and I am willing to pay more money for myself.”
“Well you do know, Oliver that we won’t be changing right now,” Athena said in an annoyed tone.
“Yeah, I know that but it’s not like today is the last day of our adventure.”
Setna started speeding to the Professor’s house. It was only five city blocks away and they could’ve walked but they had to be “in style.”
The Professor’s house was under a huge skyscraper that was amazingly in a better section of the city(for being so close to the worst section.) What showed of the subterranean house was nothing more fancy than that of any other subterranean house. Setna and Oliver went to the house with extremely fake masks that they got in one of the bags of equipment. They didn’t have a third mask, though, so they dumped some of their spare clothes on Athena, who of course put them back in the LTV.
They rang the doorbell and waited. And waited. And waited.
“I don’t think he’s home yet,” said Athena impatiently.
“Keep cool,” Setna said with a severe under bite, that showed even with his wooden tiki mask on.
Oliver did two cartwheels giddily, “Let’s go in and make ourselves comfortable. He always keep the key under the mat!”
They used a crowbar to open the door. Oliver expertly went into the Professor’s kitchen and made a snack which he didn’t share with Athena and Setna.
Athena wasn’t as “cool” as Setna(who was playing a very loud computer game) or Oliver. She looked around the house and found the blueprints under the Professor’s lamp downstairs. She thought herself very wise to have not wasted time.
When she came upstairs Oliver and Setna were talking. She came screaming proudly, “I found the blueprints!”
Oliver and Setna smiled and shook their heads at each other.
“Do you think he would leave them home after last time?” said Setna, “This is another reason we are going to take him.”
Athena’s heart dropped as she realized her mistake.
Oliver rolled his eyes, for the hundredth time.
They heard keys in the door.
“It must be the Professor!!!” Athena almost screamed, but Setna put his hand on Athena’s mouth.
“Keep cool,” he whispered, as he slyly moved towards under the table.
At the same time, Oliver rolled his eyes, and whispered, following Setna “Shut up, you are very lucky that his hearing is worse than a dog’s.”
The Professor came in muttering to himself, “I better get to work.”
He walked slowly down the stairs. Since he was a tall man he had to duck so as not to bang his head on the ceiling. Oliver silently opened the dark, wooden cabinets one by one in the orderly kitchen. They waited. After twenty minutes the Professor came up to get a snack. When he noticed that all his cabinets were open he looked around, finding missing food. As he looked around at the crumbs on the ground, Setna creeped out of the cabinet and stood behind him. The Professor stood up and Setna pounced on him. Oliver bound the Professor with some sturdy rope.
“This is the way one should be bound-the old-fashioned way,” commented Setna.
“Get out of my house or I’ll call the police!!!! Let me go!!!!” screamed the professor frantically.
“You know very well what we want,” said Setna relaxed.
“Where are the blueprints, Clarence?” Oliver instantly asked.
The Professor, with a bright red face, knew that he couldn’t stand a chance against these idiosyncratic people . He revealed the hidden location of the blueprints: his breast pocket
The three knew he just couldn’t stand telling them. Setna and Oliver grinned at each other. Both were smiling the “cool smile.”
“Okay, come inside our LTV and get comfortable. We won’t be tricked.”
Athena took all that was in the Professor’s pockets and put it in the equipment bag that now sat next to her.
“Um…Setna, Oliver, you can take off your masks now I think.”
Oliver took his off hesitantly, but Setna kept his on and drove the car to their “HQ”.
This time they took a very long way. This was because Oliver felt they needed to get ice cream. They soon found out that that all the ice cream was being stocked up by uptight people in the city because there was supposedly going to be a shortage of dairy products. This disappointed the four, however they did buy chocolate cereal with hope that they’d find milk at the store(which they didn’t.) So they went back to HQ.
When they were back to HQ Oliver, Setna, Athena and the Professor sat in uncomfortable bean bag chairs which the three had roughhoused with one too many times.
“So Clarence, are you done with the blueprints completely? I was told you were,” asked Oliver, who co-owned an interview show with Setna as one of his many side businesses.
“Why, of course. You already saw them.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re right,” Oliver said looking at Setna with an expression on his face that said, “You are a better interviewer than me please do it yourself!”
Setna took over and asked the “classic interview questions”.
“Do you like pizza?”
“Well do you like pizza?”
“Do you like fluffy bunnies?”
“What is your evil laugh?”
The Professor was completely puzzled by this strange behavior, “Are you alright? I expected more.”
“That’s strange, mine is Hahohehehihy!”
Athena got up and screamed, “You guys aren’t fun like you used to be!!! Why are we interviewing this dumb professor!!! I thought we were going to travel to another dimension!!! I wish we didn’t kill Barbara!!! You guys act like idiots now!!!”
Oliver rolled his eyes, for the one hundredth and second time.
“Alright then. So, Clarence, you either help us ‘travel’,” he laughed at how he said it, “Or we kill you like we killed Barbara. May I call you Clare Bare?”
The Professor frowned at him when he said this, “No, I wouldn’t like to be called ‘Clare Bear’. I thought you had some wicked scheme. Why didn’t you tell me you would like to try it out?”
“We want to try it out with you,” Athena said as relaxed as Setna, “We don’t want to be tricked.”
“Come with us dude,” said Setna, stuffing the Professor in a old sack and throwing him aimlessly onto the roof of the LTV, “We’re going to go have some dinner at our least favorite diner.”
Their least favorite diner, as Setna and Oliver referred to it, was Athena’s favorite. The diner only sold cheese sandwiches and toast with a choice of a skimpy side of either:a bowl of water or sugary Wheatie-O’s. Oliver was lapping up his bowl of water since he abhorred cheese and wheat. Athena was munching on a large plate of cheese sandwiches mostly donated to her by Oliver and Setna. Setna had brought leftovers of grilled shark and was eating like he hadn’t eaten in days, but the Professor was bound up in the back of the car, being hand-fed by one of Setna’s cronies. Of course, he only got a piece of a burger Setna found in a nearby trashcan.
Setna finished his meal and quickly ran out the door, yanking his laptop cord out of the nearby electrical outlet, letting it drag in a zig-zag as he swerved, slightly hitting into opposite walls. Oliver rolled his eyes for the hundredth and third time; since he felt a need to follow Setna, he reluctantly, but quickly made a run for it.
Athena felt upset and rejected, having to pay the bill for these two gentlemen, who had no manners whatsoever but kept it “cool.”
This diner, however, let her use her personal i.d. card to pay, so she didn’t need to use the wad of cash Oliver had thrown at her, narrowly missing her mouth, when he had fled.
As Oliver and Setna got to the parking lot, Oliver screamed, quite uncool-ly, realizing why Setna was so frantic, “Oh my gosh, you didn’t put the parking brake on! That was a pi/2 radians hill!!!!”
The LTV was rolling down the hill, about to hit into the nursing home at the bottom. Setna set up his computer before attempting to stop the LTV.
“Yeah, let me first load my game, could you run over and stop the LTV for me?”
Oliver paused for two minutes, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”
“Hold on, the CPU usage is over 500%, I’ll go run after it in just a few minutes.”
“Well, aren’t we glad that the hill is 7 miles long?”
Setna nonchalantly answered, “I guess so, but if it were 3, I’d still be able to catch it.”
Setna’s crony had opened the window and was screaming for help. The Professor was suffocating since the burger was stuffed tightly into his mouth, while he bumped back and forth, up and down in the LTV.
“Uh, why can’t your crony put the parking brake on?”
“Oh, he’s only 1 years old.”
“I see, that makes sense.”
“No, I forgot, in dog years.”
Oliver sat down and started to do some pointless math. “I’m stuck Setna, what’s 3 + 2?”
Setna puzzled at the question, “I’ll just open the calculator once my CPU usage reaches 200 %. and tell you.”
Oliver sighed. He’d never get out of kindergarten math–Setna’s CPU usage never went down.
Setna sprinted at the speed of light down the 90 degree hill.
“Oh damn, now I’m ahead of the LTV and I have to go back.”
However, Setna was too lazy to attempt this, and instead went to go play BINGO in the nursing home.
As Setna screamed “BINGO”, Athena walked out of the diner.
She was far from cool when she saw what was happening.
But Oliver didn’t hear the last part of this remark, because Athena had already gotten into the LTV and was expertly driving it back up the hill, carefully parking with the parking brake, and carefully, as Setna had not done, taking the keys out of the ignition.
They were hanging out at “HQ.” Setna and Oliver were laying around on the floor next to the beanbags watching movies they had seen at least a million times already–this was the way they usually passed the time. Athena was standing behind them, nagging them to clean up the mess of snacks, peanut butter, and dairy products they had left all over the bathroom floor.
Oliver was too busy trying to figure out if Indiana Jones had ripped abs to listen to her. Setna was too busy trying to kick a pile of dirty clothes into the closet with his bare feet, while staring at the movie. The Professor was stored expertly in the closet, given less space than Setna’s many violent video games.
If Athena was better at bossing the two around, the HQ might have been a little bit cleaner–but she was not skilled in that particular area. A pile of Oliver’s junk was lying near his closet. He had cleverly named it “Fort XYZ.”
The two had also taken the time to coat little balls of toilet paper with Athena’s hair care products so that they could throw them at the wall to practice their aiming skills.
Various matchless shoes and socks lay around on the floor, so that whenever the three had to go anywhere, Oliver moaned, trying to express his grief in not being able to match his bright pink Croc with another.
Athena’s heater, which was set on 90 degrees Fahrenheit, was covered with Oliver and Setna’s comforters from their beds, and piles of overdue library books were scattered around the HQ with names like, “So You Want to Become A Scientologist”, “Decreasing CPU Usage Craftily”, and “Lies Your Parents Told You: A guide to the real truth about everything from Santa Claus to Turtles.”
Not even Athena’s room was clean, as the boys (Setna and Oliver) had been frequently using her room as a garbage can ever since their cheap plastic garbage can had disappeared. It could take up to three months to locate a missing item in the HQ because of the boy’s various junk that was evenly and messily spread throughout the stuffy headquarters.
Oliver reached for a chip off the ground. Athena started nagging him about the last time he had gotten hepatitis from eating off the ground, but he ate the chip anyway, because it was the last barbecue potato chip within a yard from where he was lying. Setna started drinking what he thought was a five month old drink and then got up and ran to the bathroom after realizing his mistake, but he did all of it so cool-ly that Athena didn’t even notice.
Setna got very sick because the truth was, it wasn’t an old drink, but it was an old science experiment to grow germs, of Oliver’s. Oliver frequently conducted this type of “experiment” after he had had the most wonderful middle school biology teacher. Setna’s sickness caused them to have to wait a week before they could continue with their “adventure.” Oliver was shocked that Setna would drink out of a beaker clearly full of mold, but it did bring back warm memories, so he forgave Setna.
The slow, monotonous voice of the “Science Teachy” echoed in the hard cold room. Oliver was doodling hearts on his notepad, but everyone else was asleep. After a few minutes the “Teachy” had a voice spasm which caused him to shout and wake the whole class. He coughed and went on–more about dissecting crayfish. Oliver drew a mutilated crayfish, and as people started to drift off again, he screamed, “Look at my drawing!” The “Teachy” was so upset, that he began to have more voice spasms, the whole class woke, and everyone made it a point to throw things at Oliver. The “Teachy” didn’t care, he hated Oliver. Oliver was the most despised student in the whole class.
Athena yelled, “HOLY CRAP!”
Fort XYZ was oozing with mold, and Oliver’s swimbag was covered with black mold.
“Oh….My…Gosh. what did I tell you about drying your swim suit? You actually wear that thing?”
Oliver looked at her puzzled and pulled down his pants to reveal a moldy swimsuit, he obviously couldn’t see or smell anything wrong.
“It’s not that bad, is it?”
Well, it looks like we’re going to have to get out of this dump for a few days and get some cleaning service to clean all the mold out.
Oliver whined, “But do we have to pay money?”
“Of course you do, you big meany!”
Setna pulled a gun out of his pocket, “No you don’t, you don’t have to pay with all the weaponry I’ve gotten out of my AOM Flaky Cereal.”
Oliver stared at the gun, “Isn’t that a Wuv Woo Rainbow Pwning Gun?”
“Why yes it is, Oli.”
Oliver had to touch it, but when he did, it instantly was covered with seaweed and more mold.
Athena screamed, more passionately about it this time, “You’re like the fricking Davy Jones, but worse!”
Oliver started crying.
“You keep cursing at me Athena, what’s wrong!?”
Setna broke in: “Keep cool, dudes.”
Soon they found themselves at the Moldy Maids, ordering their HQ hosed down. The maids insisted that water would only help the mold, but Athena wouldn’t fall for it.
While their HQ was being hosed down, the gang decided to have an “adventure.”
“Clare Bare”, as they so affectionately referred to him, was a bit unsure about it.
“What are we doing?” he asked.
“Give me the blue prints, man,” Oliver said while he made his eyes roll since he was a grandmaster of eye-rolling.
The Professor handed the blueprints to him.
“We never have fun anymore! This isn’t an adventure! This is stupid! You guys aren’t fun anymore!” If you are unsure about who said this, it is recommended that you start at the beginning and read the first four chapters of the story over again. You obviously do not have a feel for the characters.
TO BE CONTINUED