MARRIAGE arranging — looking for SOULMATE!

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In INDIA, almost all mariages are arranged. Even among the educated middle classes in modern, urban India, marriage is as much a concern of the families as it is of the individuals. So customary is the practice of arranged marriage that there is a special name for a marriage which is not arranged: It is called a “love match.”

Quotes from real Indian girls:

“Of course I care. This is why I must let my parents choose a boy for me. My marriage is too important to be arranged by such an inexperienced person as myself. In such matters it is better to have my parents’ guidance.”

“Meeting with a lot of different people doesn’t sound like any fun at all. One hears that in America the girls are spending all their time worrying about whether they will meet a man and get married. Here we have a chance to enjoy our life and let our parents do this work and worrying for us.”

This is why I must choose a mate for my dear Olive. I hear India is the future of our world.


Olive’s guardian (guardian being defined as defender),

Athena O.

*All credit (referring to the borrowed paragraphs above) goes to the author whom I was intending to plagiarize from, but later decided to credit, Serena Nanda. *

Setna, are you still out there?

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I remember when I was IMing my friend Setna, and we were talking about his gaming addiction. Because of this addiction, I hadn’t talked to him in years. The exchange was fast, because Setna had mastered typing in cheat codes for his favorite games. I was trying to read what he had typed to me, when all of the sudden “BRB” flashed onto my computer screen. I almost had a seizure because of the annoying day-glo font colours he was using.

I sat there for an hour trying to do my reading assignment, but I kept glancing back at the screen, hoping he had come back. All of the sudden Mother called me to make hamburger helper. This was depressing. I am vegan. Still, more depressing was that I had just realised Setna pulled the same thing he did four years ago. He had broken his promise to “be right back.” I still wait and see, and am constantly logged onto my IMing programme. Setna, are you still out there? Are you playing WoW now or something?

Interview With Oliver Ham.

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The Dauphin needs to make some money cleaning houses so that he can go on a hike with Athena.

So tell me more about yourself.

Well, I am pretty awesome when I’m high, but other than that, I have a lot of fears. I am really scared of a lot of things and am always anxious when not high. I have a dog, but in reality, I’m actually scared of my dog because he thinks we’re playing a game when I run away and squeal. Also, I have hyper-pica which is why I eat pencils and myself. Also, I really can’t  handle social situations because I am an INTJ so I’m really irrational.  I usually need a social interpreter, and I found one who is also my counselor.

Uh, alright that’s enough about that. Did I hear you say you ate yourself?

You’re making me feel really uncomfortable, man.

Why should we hire you?

Well, I really like cleaning windows because I use baking soda so that there’s no streaks and I pride myself in how good I am at it. Also, I really suck at vacuuming because I have bad eyesight because once I poked myself with a pencil I was chewing. Well, there are probably plenty of people who are better than me at this sort of stuff, so sorry that I’ve wasted your time. No, I’m really sorry.

Um, alright, then next question.

Why do you want to work here?

Um, I don’t really. I actually want to hike the Appalachian Trail with my social interpreter, but it turns out that I need to have some money, because I’m not assertive enough to forage for berries.

What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Well, this is like really hard for me because I have so many weaknesses, like how hard I work, but when it all comes down to it, my biggest weakness is that I am seriously the Devil’s advocate. No, seriously. Like I was arguing with someone and I told them that because of  something this other thing was true, and what I said really made sense in truth, but then the person was all like, “Dude, you don’t believe in Evolution.” Also, I can’t get along with people who don’t understand that almost everything I argue I actually don’t believe in, which means that I can’t get along with almost anyone.

Okay, we’ve thankfully reached the end of this interview, do you have any questions for me?

Well, I was blanking out during the interview and now I have a question that I totally want to look up the answer for, so can you go google my question? “If a female got sex change could she join the Navy SEALS?”

Would you please just leave if you have no questions about the Moldy Maids?

Clarebare’s song

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“I met a little gurly-

Her toes was kinda curly-

She clungs to the walls…


And Clare Bare himself singing it…

Oh well I’m too lazy to bother with that for the moment…

Official Ban on Large Heels after Injury of Dauphin

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Above: The Dauphin is still recovering from his injury as we speak.

It has now been announced that there is an official ban on the wearing of heels that are greater than 1-inch high after that Dauphin was greatly injured by Princess of Idioclast’s 5-inch stiletto heels earlier today.

Note: Some people have commented that the Dauphin does not appear to be in health considering the size of his leg. These allegations are untrue. We had forgotten to mention that the cut is on the inside of his lower leg, coming from the calf all the way to the ankle. Long live the Dauphin!

Rubber chickens and library cards

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A certain contributer didn’t want the author to disclose who they are as they made their gender evident in the story.  So,  I’m using Bob’s account.

This is a story of a man who owned a rubber chicken factory. The significance of rubber chickens is amazing. The most common type is a comedic prop, but this man had a

factory that cooked rubber chickens for social gatherings. He didn’t quite get that they tasted bad because he got tons of orders for them and never tasted them himself,

being vegan. Nonetheless, the significance of rubber chickens to the author is outstanding. The author once knew a little girl who left her sister’s prop rubber

chicken out on the lawn and consequentially got it accidentally chopped into pieces by a lawn mower. She did keep the head though, after an obsessive compulsive person threw

away the rest of the body when it was lying around on a coffee table. However, she threw it at the base of her holiday tree and lost the head. It is good though that she

thinks that different pieces of the chicken are doing the cha-cha in a landfill. The author cannot be a hypocrite(although she has laughed at these events) because a

similar thing happened to her with her library card.  She did get the pieces back, taped together though. She was more devastated than this rubber chicken girl, as the

number of the card was d011728035.

Anyway, it is quite a coincidence that this man was at a library, and at this exact time, the author could be seen crying because she had given her library card to an evil

librarian who would, in due time, cut up her library card. The man we are talking about’s name is Clarence Vent Cutler. His name was so similar to that of someone the

author knows that the author only wrote this because of the similarity. Clarence wanted to write a book on Jainism, so he was quickly reading every book in the

“spirituality” section whilst spinning his favorite wheel on a children’s game. The wheel’s name was oddly the wheel of monotony.

At about this time, the author was asked why she wanted to keep her library card. She responded that it was because of the number. The librarian was looking for “This is

the last object my friend touched before they died,” or “Obama touched this library card.” The librarian was most likely an Obama supporter for geographical reasons, but the excuse

would probably have worked with McCain too, at the time.

Anyway, at this time Clarence won a free pet-pet paint brush on his children’s site. The problem was: Clarence was way too old to play this Internet game, and from a life

time of being addicted to these games, had many, as he called them, “violent hallucinations.” “Violent hallucinations” here means that he would go to a place of battle in the game with his newly painted

pet-pet and all of the sudden,  foaming at the defiling mouth, start thinking about how he could have had a better life if he had not been addicted to this game. Of course,

these thoughts are silly, because Clarence found no real meaning in life except for owning a rubber chicken factory, pretending to be spiritual, and playing online games.

If he had had some real goal other than this, he would have realised it and succeeded at whatever it was beyond your wildest dreams, just as he did on children’s Internet sites.

At the time, the author was crying. Someone commented that if anything really tragic happened to the author, she would probably just die from sadness. Of course, this is

not true. That’s why the author got the idea to call the number d01-172-8035. This is actually a work of mostly fiction, so please do not try to call this number, as the

author cannot guarantee it is even a valid number. Anyway, in this story it is very obviously Clarence’s number.

“Hello, is this my library card speaking?”

At the time, Clarence was forced out of the library for mobile phone use, and forgot to sign out of the online world. He quickly hung up and signed out.

The author was so sad that they decided to stop slumping in the bathroom stall and go lay under the sinks, as they were leaky and more depressing. Don’t ask why, but

Clarence(the real Clarence) told me that depressing things when you are depressed is a good idea. Somehow this contradicts what I would think, but I’m not too bright.

Clarence’s phone rang once again.





“Is this my,” sobbing ,”library card?”

“Uh, what’s that? This is Clarence Vent Cutler, owner of Clarence’s Fine Rubber Chickens. How many fine chickens do you want today? Are you interested in our ‘Foul Fowl’ deal?”

“But, but, your number is d011728035?!”

At this time Clarence hung up quickly.

He also changed his number.

The author moved to Mekong with her lesbian girlfriend, and Clarence continued to have horrible hallucinations(which were in fact, not hallucinations but unfounded regrets.) But now

actually starting to become delusional, he had periods where he was convinced he was a library card.

He did write a book, though. And convinced many tormented souls to become more like him and live a regretful life.

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Bohemia No. 1 for Those Who Can’t Read Long Strings of Text

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Comic 1 Small
Below is a close-up…

The Dauphin Falls In Love.

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The dauphin obviously was the sort of guy you could easily sway.  If you told him that he had killed your mother he would have put himself in jail. On this note we begin the story of the Dauphin’s search for the end of the common cold.

Bohemia’s factories no longer made clothing but common cold awareness trinkets.  The rate of the common cold in the world had risen .02 % and had decreased dramatically in Bohemia.  Setna gave the Dauphin a paper e-mail with a few links to explain why factories were changing so much and why this was needed.

Later that day, when the Dauphin finally has typed the excruciatingly long URL correctly…


“I don’t think Setna is here–you’ll have to telephone him,” said Athena, angry that the Dauphin had interrupted her violin practice by bursting into her room wondering if Setna was there.

“Hu, oooooh, yeah thanks dude,” the Dauphin said, running to go get his mobile phone.

In two minutes he returned to her room mid-conversation with Setna.  This is what Athena heard.  Setna refused to tell us what he said.

“Dude, thanks so much for these articles! I now know how to avoid breast cancer! Woah too–we’ll so own the common cold now.”

Setna spoke a bit.

“Like wow! Dude like I didn’t know that not wearing a bra helps to cure the common cold! Seriously, I never questioned why I wear one.”

Athena broke in, “Uh, you know you’re a guy, right?”

“Shut up.”

Setna spoke for a long time.

“I know man, like, dude, she’s always insulting me.  Oh, look a UFO, I better go.”

Obviously this was just the Dauphin’s excuse to end his conversation but Setna wasn’t fooled.  There was no UFO on the country’s radar.

“Athena, I see you’re like really busy but like I have to like tell you something I’m like so so so so so muk excited about this!”

She rolled her eyes, “What?”

“We’re going to end the common cold! Did you know that Dr Murky-Cola said that wearing a bra increases common cold risk one billion fold? And there’s research to back it, like wow! But the best part is how smart Setna is. If no one can buy new bras because they’re making common cold awareness junk then it’s like the junk is actually helping! And all the profits go to the military!”

Athena ignored Oliver’s newly “given-by-Setna” pet topic, “Huh? Why are you so excited about all the profits going to the military?”

“Well, we’re going to make an alliance with Egypt.”

“But Egypt wouldn’t even be able to help us–they’re so weak.”

“Oh, well Setna likes the idea. Say, do you wear a bra? I’m going to stop and you should too.”

At this point Athena shut the door on his face.

A few days later, at Bohemia’s national health festival…

“Girls and boys, aphids and grass, polar bears and hybrid ape-cow humans, may I present to you: His Holiness, the Dauphin of Bohemia!”

“Like I’m so glad everyone’s here like I wanted to tell you all how good oatmeal is for you.  But now I also would like to tell like all of  you to buy common cold awareness gifts so that like mein fu…I mean so that like our scientist can find a cure!”

The Dauphin paused to eat a spoonful of oatmeal.  He looked out at the crowd.

Foaming at the defiling mouth…is that Dr. Murky-Cola? This is the man who will cure all of the common cold without knowing it.

Slowly though, the Dauphin sinked back into being his normal not too bright self.

Well that’s all for now.  An *artist* has agreed to draw several comics for this particular story line.

Nonsense — A Parable of Polar Bears

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Cichio looked up at Oliver: “Oli, why can’t I put my stuffed animal in the dryer? It won’t waste water!”

Oliver, who was a little bit too slick for the elementary school child, replied, “Yes, but you will waste energy.”

“But it will only be a little bit of energy.”

“Here, let me tell you this story about a little girl who put her stuffed animal in the dryer:


“Once upon a time a little girl put her stuffed animal in the dryer, and it killed a polar bear. Now polar bears are endangered. They are all starving, so they eat each other. All the momma polar bears eat the baby polar bears, except the nice momma polar bears, who just drift away on pieces of ice and leave the babies to die. This is because of global warming. All the ice is melting. So by wasting energy this little girl made all the ice melt, and it came down in a huge flood killing people. Oh, so you’re not scared of that? Well guess what? Polar bears can unlock doors and open them and they’re coming down in the flood too.

“Fortunately they already ate some humans on the way to your…I mean this little girl’s house, so they don’t wanna eat her. But she sees them and is scared of them, so when they knock on the door she doesn’t answer, so they unlock the door and come in. The girl runs and climbs onto the ceiling fan to be safe, but she falls! The polar bears call 911, ‘Hello, there’s a little girl here who’s been hurt!’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry we can’t help you. There are polar bears here trying to eat us!’ *hang up* *dial tone*

“So the polar bears learned they were supposed to eat humans, so they ate the girl. Now of course, if she had answered the door, they would have just come in and watched iCarly with the girl, but this wasn’t the case. So anyway now polar bears lived in all the people’s houses; all the remaining humans had escaped to the arctic. There were now polar bears who lived in the girl’s house. There was a mommy polar bear and a daddy polar bear and a baby polar bear and a sissy polar bear. But of course polar bears don’t eat cows like humans. So without being eaten the cows overpopulate until they have large enough numbers to kill the polar bears. So now the cows live in the world and there are cows in this little girl’s house. There was a mommy cow and a daddy cow and a baby cow and a sissy cow.

“Now by and by the cow civilizations get very advanced until the US cows realize that the Russian cows have developed nuclear weapons! So the US cows build a community underground safe from the bombs and develop their own nuclear weapons, so the Russian cows go underground too. But up on land in the US there are no more cows to eat the grass, so the grass overpopulates and with it, the aphids. So now in the little girl’s house there are grass and aphids. There was a mommy aphid and a daddy aphid and a baby aphid and a sissy aphid. Now the grass and apids interbreed. So in the girl’s house there was a mommy aphid and a daddy grass and a baby hybrid aphid-grass and a sissy hybrid aphid-grass. So now both cow countries set off their bombs, and the bombs create defects in the cow babies, so that the cows mutate into cow humans. Now the cow humans are running out of stored up food, so they become cannibalistic carnivores, but how should they decide who to eat? Well they begin to eat the vegetarians.  Now the normal humans, because of global warming come down in a flood from the arctic  (they are ape humans — as humans evolved from apes), and they interbreed with the cow humans (which as you know is completely ethical since both are just different races of humans) so now there are hybrid ape-cow humans, but soon they completely run out of food since they’ve eaten all the vegetarians, so raving with hunger they devour each other, and foaming at the defiling mouth they all die off.

“Now by and by the fish began to grow feet until they come up on land, and they interbreed with the squirrels and after suffering lingering defects from the bombs as well, they create a race of hybrid fish-squirrel humans. They find frozen carcasses from old freezers of the cannibal hybrid ape-cow humans and, they call them cavemen from the ice age (although they were not right at all considering there was a huge global warming not freezing.) They also find an ancient thriving culture of Russian cows underground that had been isolated for centuries and survived because they learned to live with mother nature in peace and never ate meat. THE END.”


Oliver, snapping out of his trance, looked down to realize Cichio wasn’t there. He realized she had been gone for the past thirty minutes and had already put her stuffed animal in the washer and the dryer. Wait! Both the washer AND dryer?!



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Note to the Aware and Logically Minded Reader: Do not worry if you can’t completely understand what Athena, Oliver, and me are doing or our motives. Half the time we don’t know what the heck we’re doing either. Just keep reading. It should all be clear if you do so.-Setna


Oliver and Setna were sitting in a diner. They were both waiting for Athena. Boredom had come quickly this time. Oliver was sitting there folding paper into moebius strips. Setna had brought his laptop and was playing a rather violent battle game. A plate of cooked shark sat next to Setna’s laptop.
The diner was a very nice one, often full of people during lunch breaks especially in spring, because of the diner’s even nicer outside patio . It was rather high priced to buy the food, but the decor was that of a hotel serving continental breakfast, which was an atmosphere both Oliver and Setna enjoyed. They had been waiting for at least one hour like this, making no progress, before Athena came in, looking like she was about ready to kill more than one person.
Oliver and Setna remained sitting. They didn’t even look up. “Guys!!! I’m here!” screamed Athena. Oliver looked up, “Finally,” he said rolling his eyes. Setna sat there and turned off his laptop.
He still didn’t look up.
Athena continued shouting: “Guys, I told you that if I didn’t return at exactly 12:00 you should head over to the Professor’s house!! He’ll be arriving back at his house in a few minutes!”
Oliver and Setna both gave her a skeptical look. Oliver cunningly asked her, “So you do know that he is done writing the instructions for us to watch his dog?” Athena frowned, “What the hel…heck are you talking about!” she screamed catching herself as she noticed a small child staring at her intently. Setna and Oliver exchanged smiles. “Keep cool,” said Setna in a lay-back tone.
Athena caught onto the fact they were in a public diner very close to the Professor’s house.
Oliver told her to go get into Setna’s Camouflage Light Tactical Vehicle and meet them after he paid the bill. “You bought food here?” she said her mouth gaping open. “Yeah,” Setna said with his keep-cool voice, “I bought the grilled shark.” Oliver just then printed the bill from the table bill machine. “They still have those? Isn’t that a model S40?” Setna said inquisitively . “Yes, I guess the tech stuff here hasn’t quite caught on,” replied Athena looking around the diner. Oliver quickly ran around the empty tables next to them picking up all the tips. “Good! This will mean that we will only have to pay $20.78 more.”
“How much does it cost?” asked Athena, eyeing the extremely large wad of cash in Oliver’s fists.
“Oh, only about 250 pounds.” replied Oliver.
“In dollars!!!”
“Oh…dollars …let me see…about $500?”
Setna looked at Athena, “Come on, let’s go to the LTV and let Oliver pay the bill.”

The LTV definitely stood out more when one wasn’t in a war so it definitely got the three around. Setna got a ladder out for Athena to climb into the backseat of the LTV since she was pretty short already. Setna swung himself into the driver’s seat and turned on the radio. Many young college students(from the nearby college) goggled at Setna’s ride from their Jeeps.

Shortly after, Oliver came and practically killed himself climbing into the LTV as always.
“Athena,” said he, “Don’t you get it?” paused he. “Setna, would you please turn off the sappy love songs?” Setna blushed and turned off the radio, “I’m sorry I rented the LTV to some kids for the weekend.” Oliver rolled his eyes, “How about that time before the weekend? And how come you’ve been sitting here with this crap on? Well, nevertheless, to the Professor’s!”
Setna unbuckled, “Let’s first get to HQ to get some ‘equipment.’”
“Alright, back to the point, Athena, do you think the Professor will leave clear instructions for us? We have to take him, too. So logically we don’t go when he is not around.”
“Plus since the Professor already caught us once trying to steal his blueprints he’ll suspect us,” Setna said, starting the car.
“Athena, we actually counted on you coming here to find us. We’re that smart. And anyway, it’s not like we can’t kidnap the Professor alone!”
“Yeah but you’re guys,” said Athena, “We planned what we were going to do together! You could’ve told me yesterday!”
Athena shook her head with her short blond hair bouncing.

“Eh, was that a moose?!” said Oliver.
“Get a life,” Athena snapped, “Moose are endangered species. Plus, that was just a little pet dog, in fact I think it’s my neighbor’s–”
Setna interrupted, “We’re in a crowded city, with a population of over 2 billion. That was just some trash on the road. Guys, remember we’re in a Light Tactical Vehicle not a small car.”
“Eww,” commented Athena, “Someone really needs to pick up all this trash.”
“But we are in a really bad section of the city–unless you would like to be dropped off here to pick up trash it will most definitely not be cleaned.”
Athena looked at the overall dirtiness of the area they were in. Lights were blown out with no hope of being replaced and glass was shattered all over the sidewalks. A few lowlifes sat around the road looking crazed.
Setna parallel parked with skill(for driving an LTV of course, he did hit two cars), “The ones we hit were probably stolen anyway! Well, Home sweet home!”
“Athena and I will stay in the car while you get the equipment. That way we can be at the Professor’s earlier, before any students might come.”
Athena looked at Oliver inquisitively as she did not understand.
Oliver and Athena sat for only 3 minutes before Setna (with his cronies) came out and piled all the “equipment” into the very back of the vehicle. Setna gave all his helpers hundred-dollar bills.
When he got in, Oliver pulled 2 slick black jumpsuits out of his pocket.
“Just for show,” said Oliver, “Oh yeah, Athena, I wasn’t sure what size you were and I would’ve gotten you an XXL but the XXS was on sale and there was only one difference in the letters! I got Setna my size because it would look good on him and also, all the other male sizes only come in hot pink. I myself got a tuxedo because that’s fancier and I am willing to pay more money for myself.”

“Well you do know, Oliver that we won’t be changing right now,” Athena said in an annoyed tone.
“Yeah, I know that but it’s not like today is the last day of our adventure.”
Setna started speeding to the Professor’s house. It was only five city blocks away and they could’ve walked but they had to be “in style.”

The Professor’s house was under a huge skyscraper that was amazingly in a better section of the city(for being so close to the worst section.) What showed of the subterranean house was nothing more fancy than that of any other subterranean house. Setna and Oliver went to the house with extremely fake masks that they got in one of the bags of equipment. They didn’t have a third mask, though, so they dumped some of their spare clothes on Athena, who of course put them back in the LTV.

They rang the doorbell and waited. And waited. And waited.

“I don’t think he’s home yet,” said Athena impatiently.

“Keep cool,” Setna said with a severe under bite, that showed even with his wooden tiki mask on.

Oliver did two cartwheels giddily, “Let’s go in and make ourselves comfortable. He always keep the key under the mat!”

They used a crowbar to open the door. Oliver expertly went into the Professor’s kitchen and made a snack which he didn’t share with Athena and Setna.

Athena wasn’t as “cool” as Setna(who was playing a very loud computer game) or Oliver. She looked around the house and found the blueprints under the Professor’s lamp downstairs. She thought herself very wise to have not wasted time.

When she came upstairs Oliver and Setna were talking. She came screaming proudly, “I found the blueprints!”

Oliver and Setna smiled and shook their heads at each other.

“Do you think he would leave them home after last time?” said Setna, “This is another reason we are going to take him.”

Athena’s heart dropped as she realized her mistake.

Oliver rolled his eyes, for the hundredth time.

They heard keys in the door.

“It must be the Professor!!!” Athena almost screamed, but Setna put his hand on Athena’s mouth.

“Keep cool,” he whispered, as he slyly moved towards under the table.

At the same time, Oliver rolled his eyes, and whispered, following Setna “Shut up, you are very lucky that his hearing is worse than a dog’s.”

The Professor came in muttering to himself, “I better get to work.”

He walked slowly down the stairs. Since he was a tall man he had to duck so as not to bang his head on the ceiling. Oliver silently opened the dark, wooden cabinets one by one in the orderly kitchen. They waited. After twenty minutes the Professor came up to get a snack. When he noticed that all his cabinets were open he looked around, finding missing food. As he looked around at the crumbs on the ground, Setna creeped out of the cabinet and stood behind him. The Professor stood up and Setna pounced on him. Oliver bound the Professor with some sturdy rope.

“This is the way one should be bound-the old-fashioned way,” commented Setna.

“Get out of my house or I’ll call the police!!!! Let me go!!!!” screamed the professor frantically.

“You know very well what we want,” said Setna relaxed.

“Where are the blueprints, Clarence?” Oliver instantly asked.

The Professor, with a bright red face, knew that he couldn’t stand a chance against these idiosyncratic people . He revealed the hidden location of the blueprints: his breast pocket
The three knew he just couldn’t stand telling them. Setna and Oliver grinned at each other. Both were smiling the “cool smile.”

“Okay, come inside our LTV and get comfortable. We won’t be tricked.”

Athena took all that was in the Professor’s pockets and put it in the equipment bag that now sat next to her.

“Um…Setna, Oliver, you can take off your masks now I think.”

Oliver took his off hesitantly, but Setna kept his on and drove the car to their “HQ”.

This time they took a very long way. This was because Oliver felt they needed to get ice cream. They soon found out that that all the ice cream was being stocked up by uptight people in the city because there was supposedly going to be a shortage of dairy products. This disappointed the four, however they did buy chocolate cereal with hope that they’d find milk at the store(which they didn’t.) So they went back to HQ.

When they were back to HQ Oliver, Setna, Athena and the Professor sat in uncomfortable bean bag chairs which the three had roughhoused with one too many times.

“So Clarence, are you done with the blueprints completely? I was told you were,” asked Oliver, who co-owned an interview show with Setna as one of his many side businesses.

“Why, of course. You already saw them.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right,” Oliver said looking at Setna with an expression on his face that said, “You are a better interviewer than me please do it yourself!”

Setna took over and asked the “classic interview questions”.

“Do you like pizza?”

“Well do you like pizza?”

“Do you like fluffy bunnies?”

“What is your evil laugh?”

The Professor was completely puzzled by this strange behavior, “Are you alright? I expected more.”

“That’s strange, mine is Hahohehehihy!”

Athena got up and screamed, “You guys aren’t fun like you used to be!!! Why are we interviewing this dumb professor!!! I thought we were going to travel to another dimension!!! I wish we didn’t kill Barbara!!! You guys act like idiots now!!!”

Oliver rolled his eyes, for the one hundredth and second time.

“Alright then. So, Clarence, you either help us ‘travel’,” he laughed at how he said it, “Or we kill you like we killed Barbara. May I call you Clare Bare?”

The Professor frowned at him when he said this, “No, I wouldn’t like to be called ‘Clare Bear’. I thought you had some wicked scheme. Why didn’t you tell me you would like to try it out?”

“We want to try it out with you,” Athena said as relaxed as Setna, “We don’t want to be tricked.”

“Come with us dude,” said Setna, stuffing the Professor in a old sack and throwing him aimlessly onto the roof of the LTV, “We’re going to go have some dinner at our least favorite diner.”


Their least favorite diner, as Setna and Oliver referred to it, was Athena’s favorite. The diner only sold cheese sandwiches and toast with a choice of a skimpy side of either:a bowl of water or sugary Wheatie-O’s. Oliver was lapping up his bowl of water since he abhorred cheese and wheat. Athena was munching on a large plate of cheese sandwiches mostly donated to her by Oliver and Setna. Setna had brought leftovers of grilled shark and was eating like he hadn’t eaten in days, but the Professor was bound up in the back of the car, being hand-fed by one of Setna’s cronies. Of course, he only got a piece of a burger Setna found in a nearby trashcan.

Setna finished his meal and quickly ran out the door, yanking his laptop cord out of the nearby electrical outlet, letting it drag in a zig-zag as he swerved, slightly hitting into opposite walls. Oliver rolled his eyes for the hundredth and third time; since he felt a need to follow Setna, he reluctantly, but quickly made a run for it.

Athena felt upset and rejected, having to pay the bill for these two gentlemen, who had no manners whatsoever but kept it “cool.”

This diner, however, let her use her personal i.d. card to pay, so she didn’t need to use the wad of cash Oliver had thrown at her, narrowly missing her mouth, when he had fled.

As Oliver and Setna got to the parking lot, Oliver screamed, quite uncool-ly, realizing why Setna was so frantic, “Oh my gosh, you didn’t put the parking brake on! That was a pi/2 radians hill!!!!”

The LTV was rolling down the hill, about to hit into the nursing home at the bottom. Setna set up his computer before attempting to stop the LTV.

“Yeah, let me first load my game, could you run over and stop the LTV for me?”

Oliver paused for two minutes, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Hold on, the CPU usage is over 500%, I’ll go run after it in just a few minutes.”

“Well, aren’t we glad that the hill is 7 miles long?”

Setna nonchalantly answered, “I guess so, but if it were 3, I’d still be able to catch it.”

Setna’s crony had opened the window and was screaming for help. The Professor was suffocating since the burger was stuffed tightly into his mouth, while he bumped back and forth, up and down in the LTV.

“Uh, why can’t your crony put the parking brake on?”

“Oh, he’s only 1 years old.”

“I see, that makes sense.”

“No, I forgot, in dog years.”

Oliver sat down and started to do some pointless math. “I’m stuck Setna, what’s 3 + 2?”

Setna puzzled at the question, “I’ll just open the calculator once my CPU usage reaches 200 %. and tell you.”

Oliver sighed. He’d never get out of kindergarten math–Setna’s CPU usage never went down.

Setna sprinted at the speed of light down the 90 degree hill.

“Oh damn, now I’m ahead of the LTV and I have to go back.”

However, Setna was too lazy to attempt this, and instead went to go play BINGO in the nursing home.

As Setna screamed “BINGO”, Athena walked out of the diner.

She was far from cool when she saw what was happening.


But Oliver didn’t hear the last part of this remark, because Athena had already gotten into the LTV and was expertly driving it back up the hill, carefully parking with the parking brake, and carefully, as Setna had not done, taking the keys out of the ignition.


They were hanging out at “HQ.” Setna and Oliver were laying around on the floor next to the beanbags watching movies they had seen at least a million times already–this was the way they usually passed the time. Athena was standing behind them, nagging them to clean up the mess of snacks, peanut butter, and dairy products they had left all over the bathroom floor.

Oliver was too busy trying to figure out if Indiana Jones had ripped abs to listen to her. Setna was too busy trying to kick a pile of dirty clothes into the closet with his bare feet, while staring at the movie. The Professor was stored expertly in the closet, given less space than Setna’s many violent video games.

If Athena was better at bossing the two around, the HQ might have been a little bit cleaner–but she was not skilled in that particular area. A pile of Oliver’s junk was lying near his closet. He had cleverly named it “Fort XYZ.”
The two had also taken the time to coat little balls of toilet paper with Athena’s hair care products so that they could throw them at the wall to practice their aiming skills.
Various matchless shoes and socks lay around on the floor, so that whenever the three had to go anywhere, Oliver moaned, trying to express his grief in not being able to match his bright pink Croc with another.
Athena’s heater, which was set on 90 degrees Fahrenheit, was covered with Oliver and Setna’s comforters from their beds, and piles of overdue library books were scattered around the HQ with names like, “So You Want to Become A Scientologist”, “Decreasing CPU Usage Craftily”, and “Lies Your Parents Told You: A guide to the real truth about everything from Santa Claus to Turtles.”
Not even Athena’s room was clean, as the boys (Setna and Oliver) had been frequently using her room as a garbage can ever since their cheap plastic garbage can had disappeared. It could take up to three months to locate a missing item in the HQ because of the boy’s various junk that was evenly and messily spread throughout the stuffy headquarters.

Oliver reached for a chip off the ground.  Athena started nagging him about the last time he had gotten hepatitis from eating off the ground, but he ate the chip anyway, because it was the last barbecue potato chip within a yard from where he was lying. Setna started drinking what he thought was a five month old drink and then got up and ran to the bathroom after realizing his mistake, but he did all of it so cool-ly that Athena didn’t even notice.

Setna got very sick because the truth was, it wasn’t an old drink, but it was an old science experiment to grow germs, of Oliver’s. Oliver frequently conducted this type of “experiment” after he had had the most wonderful middle school biology teacher. Setna’s sickness caused them to have to wait a week before they could continue with their “adventure.” Oliver was shocked that Setna would drink out of a beaker clearly full of mold, but it did bring back warm memories, so he forgave Setna.

The slow, monotonous voice of the “Science Teachy” echoed in the hard cold room. Oliver was doodling hearts on his notepad, but everyone else was asleep. After a few minutes the “Teachy” had a voice spasm which caused him to shout and wake the whole class. He coughed and went on–more about dissecting crayfish. Oliver drew a mutilated crayfish, and as people started to drift off again, he screamed, “Look at my drawing!” The “Teachy” was so upset, that he began to have more voice spasms, the whole class woke, and everyone made it a point to throw things at Oliver. The “Teachy” didn’t care, he hated Oliver. Oliver was the most despised student in the whole class.


Athena yelled, “HOLY CRAP!”

Fort XYZ was oozing with mold, and Oliver’s swimbag was covered with black mold.

“Oh….My…Gosh. what did I tell you about drying your swim suit? You actually wear that thing?”

Oliver looked at her puzzled and pulled down his pants to reveal a moldy swimsuit, he obviously couldn’t see or smell anything wrong.

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

Well, it looks like we’re going to have to get out of this dump for a few days and get some cleaning service to clean all the mold out.

Oliver whined, “But do we have to pay money?”

“Of course you do, you big meany!”

Setna pulled a gun out of his pocket, “No you don’t, you don’t have to pay with all the weaponry I’ve gotten out of my AOM Flaky Cereal.”

Oliver stared at the gun, “Isn’t that a Wuv Woo Rainbow Pwning Gun?”

“Why yes it is, Oli.”

Oliver had to touch it, but when he did, it instantly was covered with seaweed and more mold.

Athena screamed, more passionately about it this time, “You’re like the fricking Davy Jones, but worse!”

Oliver started crying.

“You keep cursing at me Athena, what’s wrong!?”

Setna broke in: “Keep cool, dudes.”

Soon they found themselves at the Moldy Maids, ordering their HQ hosed down. The maids insisted that water would only help the mold, but Athena wouldn’t fall for it.


While their HQ was being hosed down, the gang decided to have an “adventure.”

“Clare Bare”, as they so affectionately referred to him, was a bit unsure about it.

“What are we doing?” he asked.

“Give me the blue prints, man,” Oliver said while he made his eyes roll since he was a grandmaster of eye-rolling.

The Professor handed the blueprints to him.

“We never have fun anymore! This isn’t an adventure! This is stupid! You guys aren’t fun anymore!” If you are unsure about who said this, it is recommended that you start at the beginning and read the first four chapters of the story over again. You obviously do not have a feel for the characters.


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